Rejected
from ucsf mepn program for
midwifery & nurse practitioner of womens health
Last Thursday I found out I did not get into UCSF MEPN program with a specialty in Midwifery / Nurse Practitioner of Women’s Health. I began the application process last June, submitted my application in September, was invited to an interview in December, headed west for my interview on January 31st and waited through a painful three weeks to hear back.
These last three weeks have been some of the least enjoyable weeks I have had, maybe ever. They were fraught, tumultuous & extremely stressful. I felt unhappily in limbo, dark clouds and all. I felt lonely, aimless and unsure.
As a 20 year old, after realizing midwifery was my calling, I decided I would eventually apply to UCSF for the location and the program. In the six years since, I never stopped to reevaluate if this program was still for me, if San Francisco was still a place for me. It was just, the plan and having a plan is a nice feeling.
took the amtrak train from portland > san francisco
The whole way from Seattle to San Francisco, this unhappy feeling loomed over me. It wasn’t doom, but it was something similar, something that wasn’t quite right. I wasn’t feeling my usual self: positive, enthusiastic, grounded, subtly confident.
From Seattle I went to Portland and crashed at a friend of my sisters who is pursuing Naturopathic Medicine. We shared some very cool conversations about health and for the first time a tiny ball of doubt and question bounced around my mind, like those old macintosh screen savors, why was I pursuing a very western model of care?
I lean away from western medicine for my personal health, favoring traditional or eastern medicines like acupuncture and herbalism. I believe strongly in placebo, a the connection between the mind and body through which the body can heal itself. When it comes to birth I believe the use of interventions is complex: necessary, helpful and productive for some, life saving for some, detrimental for others.
I left Portland by train and headed to San Francisco, all the while asking myself these questions:
Do I really want to work in a hospital?
Would I feel ethically / morally compromised by standard practices & procedures?
Don’t I want to be able to practice as a home birth midwife?
Was UCSF just about ego?
How would I pay $60,000 not including cost of living for just the first year?
ucsf campus
Then I got to San Francisco, a city I have long claimed to be my favorite city in the world, and it was beautiful. I ate my favorite burrito, visited my usual spots, and for some reason it still wasn’t feeling quite right.
I am a big “feelings” person, not in terms of my emotions I am actually way out of touch with those, but I trust my instinct, intuition, my gut.Unfortunately, and fortunately, my gut was telling me that San Francisco, California, UCSF might not be my place after all. That after Norway I was no longer a big city person. I also really want to be able to attend homebirths and learned California has a sneaky little addition that blocks CNM’s attending home births: the law requires a CNM to collaborate with an MD during homebirth and that would be an exceptional case for an MD to participate based on scheduling, risk, and likely philosophy. This also completely undermines the CNM’s authority as the ideal provider for low risk pregnancy and birth.
And then, there is the issue of money.
The idea of being a graduate student, unable and discouraged to work due to the demands of the program, in one of the most expensive cities is comical. The first year of this program is $60,000 not including cost of living. A reasonable budget for just rent in SF is close to $20,000 plus food, good times, living life. The debt I would accrue is an amount of money I can barely comprehend, and while I can justify it as an investment in myself, my passion, a career that will bring a substantial income…I also don’t want to buy into this system that makes me deeply upset. That my pursuit of an essential, community based career, proven to significantly improve the outcomes of maternal and infant health, would cause me huge financial stress makes me very disappointed in this country.
highlight of the weekend:
gordo’s burrito on baker beach
Green Apple Book Shop
my dad graciously reminded me that when he was 26 he worked at the green apple book shop for $5/hr
Funny thing is, I think if I had gotten in I would have gone.
It is such a competitive program how could I have gotten a spot and turned it down, and San Francisco really is awesome: burritos, beaches, the presidio, family friends, the fog, the ocean, and the nostalgia of time spent here as a kid. This process was not in vain, every experience has value and this was hugely transformative and helped me realize the following:
I want to live in a place I can afford to live.
For me quality of life = close to nature, mountains preferable, access to water, trails for running, & possibility of buying land with space for a family farm / homesteading.
I need to find home in a person more than a place. I can live anywhere, build a community everywhere but in the last year I have felt the lack of a life partner more than ever before. I was most excited about moving to SF for the potential and possibility of finding a partner…so gotta work on that
I want to work outside of a hospital setting.
I want to attend home birth and contribute the movement here in the states - there is a program in Maine for Certified Professional Midwives, it is three years and $45,000 for the entire program (not per year).
I’m not sure I am quite ready for the responsibility of Midwifery
I would also be very happy working as a mountain guide - hoping to take some NOLS courses this year / maybe some outdoor certifications / develop my personal skill set in mountaineering
I really do believe that everything happens for a reason, everything is an opportunity to learn and everything will be just fine. If the last year taught me anything it is that we never know where life with take us. I never could have guest I would have spent the majority of my 25th year living in Norway, and I have no idea where 26 will go. Maybe a mountaineering course in the Himalaya, maybe I’ll meet a cool dude, maybe a steady job in Portland, maybe an American road trip in a Toyota Tacoma, maybe an internship in Herbalism.
I’m just happy to be here and be myself.